


surrender

by whipbatch



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Conversations, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Talking, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Trauma, crowley is a mess and aziraphale is there to help, they're going to be so soft and in love in the end, trust me - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-30 15:43:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19406362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whipbatch/pseuds/whipbatch
Summary: Crowley hasn't been himself lately and Aziraphale notices. Finally reaching his breaking point, Crowley lets something slip that he thinks will destroy their relationship forever.Angsty at first, but the fluff will make up for it, I promise. It's gonna be so sweet.Title taken from "Surrender" by Billy Talent, which is such a great song for pining Crowley it burned my intestines when I realised it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just need to get this out of my system. I love messy and emotional Crowley and Aziraphale taking care of him.
> 
> Not beta-ed, English is not my first language. I apologise for any mistakes.

Crowley hasn't been himself lately and it showed. He hated himself for the fact that he couldn't hide it better, but there's only so much you can cope with when you haven't slept in two weeks. As a demon, he actually didn't need to sleep, but he quite enjoyed it and he has gotten so used to it over the last millennia that he felt absolutely wrecked now.

It wasn't that he didn't try to sleep. The first night after the not-so-much-apocalypse, he actually slept quite well, his angel sitting in bed next to him. But after the angel left and Crowley was alone, unfortunately he was also alone with his thoughts. Too much had happened over the last few days and seeing his angel putting himself to so much danger and even thinking Aziraphale was dead for a while – his mind inevitably turned into a wild frenzy of horrible thoughts and when he did fall asleep, all he saw was fire and ashes and all he smelled was burnt wood and destruction. After he woke up drenched in sweat and hoarsely crying out for Aziraphale for the third time in one night, he decided sleep wasn't an option any more. 

Even after they successfully tricked Heaven and Hell thanks to Agnes Nutter's prophecy, he still couldn't bring himself to calm down. 

What made matters even worse was the fact that Aziraphale started to notice. They've been reluctant to leave each other's side ever since they went to the Ritz, because now there was no reason to keep up appearances. As Crowley said himself, there were no sides any more, it was just them.

Aziraphale started spending a lot of time in Crowley's flat, apparently warming up to Crowley's interior design tastes and even left small items that slowly, but steadily turned the place into a warmer and cosier place. There was a tartan blanket neatly folded on the couch, old books placed in random places and he even left some shirts and pants in the bedroom. Not that they ever shared the bed again – Aziraphale was very vocal about not needing sleep and wanting to give Crowley his rest. He always said he'd just spend the night reading on the couch. If only he knew that the only thing Crowley craved was the angel's presence in his bed.

Another thing that was new was the casual touches. Ever since their new found peace on earth has begun, Aziraphale started touching Crowley much more than he used to. There were no grand gestures or loud declarations, it was just a casual touch when Aziraphale wanted to get past Crowley to get something out of the fridge, a tap on the back of his hand when Crowley said something funny, sitting closer to him than usual when they were out for dinner. But Crowley certainly noticed. 

The thing is, Crowley had been wholly and incurably in love with his angels since the dawn of time. He had fought against the feeling with everything he had, he was a demon that wasn't supposed to be able to feel love after all. But as the centuries and millennia passed, he realised that there was no way out – but he also realised that there was never a chance for them. A demon and an angel, that was impossible. And if Crowley had somehow managed to tempt Aziraphale, the angel would have fallen, too – and there's no way Crowley would have let that happen. So he resigned himself to being Aziraphale's “acquaintance”, spending time with him whenever he could and if he performed minor miracles to make his angel happy and he got to see his beaming smile and sparkling eyes directed at him, Crowley soaked it up and tried to accept the fact that this was the only thing he could ever get from his angel.


	2. Chapter 2

So now, Crowley was wildly overwhelmed with their new situation and he had no idea how to handle it. He felt himself stiffen and avoiding the touches and glances from his angel on a regular basis. He would give everything for him to be able to take and enjoy them, but he just couldn't stop flinching and getting out of those situations as quickly as possible – after millennia of pining and longing for the angel's touch while simultaneously knowing it would never lead anywhere, he just couldn't stand the affectionate touches and gestures by the angel whom he almost lost.

The problem is, Aziraphale started noticing the changes in Crowley's behaviour and Crowley knew it. He tried his best to feign nonchalance and to keep up the facade of the smooth and calm demon, but he just couldn't do it any more. During the day, he was faced with Aziraphale's affectionate gestures and at night, he was tortured by hurtful thoughts and memories of the bookshop burning down. He knew he would reach his breaking point soon, inevitably doing something that would drive the angel away from him and he tried to put it off as long as he could, but he knew he couldn't last much longer.

Right now, they were sitting in Crowley's living room, enjoying the takeaway Aziraphale has ordered. Boxes full of food were spread all over the table and Aziraphale was clearly and vocally enjoying every bite of the food. Crowley was sitting on the corner of the couch, exhaustion written all over his face and trying to focus on the food he didn't want to eat in the first place. Distantly, he heard Aziraphale chatting, talking about his day in the bookshop and about the people he met at the farmer's market, but Crowley couldn't concentrate. He kept saying “mmh” and “uh-huh” from time to time to let Aziraphale believe he was listening, but he wasn't able to comprehend a single word the angel was saying.

All of a sudden, the smell of fire and smoke was in the air. Crowley stiffened and his heart started pounding, plate and cutlery falling on the floor.

“...got them from Anathema, she's such a darling girl. I thought they would be quite nice for dinner, don't you think?” Aziraphale kept talking while lighting the candles he brought with him. He quickly turned around when he heard the plate crashing to the floor, properly focusing on Crowley for the first time in the evening. “Dear, are you alright? What happened?” He reached over to touch Crowley's arm, but the demon just flinched and didn't even look at him.

“Crowley? Crowley, what's wrong?”, he said with a worried tone. The demon was completely focused on the candles, breath coming in shallow gasps and he clearly couldn't hear a single word the angel was saying. 

“CROWLEY!!!” Aziraphale shouted.

That lead the demon to finally tear his gaze away from the candles and he looked at Aziraphale, noticing his whole body was shaking. 

“I-I...sorry, what were you saying?”, Crowley croaked, hoping the angel would ignore what just had happened.

“Crowley, what's wrong with you? You've been acting strangely for a while now, but I completely lost you there”, the angel responded softly, worry written all over his expressive face.

“It's nothing, I don't know what you're talking about”, Crowley answered harshly. “Get those candles out of my face, they're appalling. I'm going to bed, I'm not hungry anymore”, he announced and tried to get up on his shaky legs to leave the room as soon as possible.

Aziraphale was quicker though, stopping him by laying both hands on his shoulders. “Crowley, what's the matter? You're clearly not feeling well and I have the growing suspicion it might be because of me”, the angel averted his gaze and bit on his lip nervously. “If---if it's my presence in the flat, just tell me. I can leave anytime. It's just...I noticed you're not feeling well. I just want you to feel good and if there's anything I can do....”

That last sentence was too much for Crowley. “I AM FINE”, he screamed, glad that he was still wearing his sunglasses so Aziraphale couldn't see his eyes welling up. “I'm fine, I've never been better!! Stop fantasising and leave me alone! I'm going to bed!” he announced with as much determination as he could muster and stormed out of the room.

“But Crowley, I-”, was all he heard before he slammed his bedroom door as loudly as he possibly could without breaking it. He fell on his bed and pulled the cover all over his body in a feeble attempt to drown out all his surroundings.

In the living room, Aziraphale was still frozen on the spot, trying to process everything that just happened. In a fit of determination, he walked towards the bedroom door. “Fuck it, we're talking about this, whether you want it or not”, he muttered under his breath, swearing for what was possibly the third time in his life.


	3. Chapter 3

Seconds later, Crowley heard a faint knock on the door. He thought if he would just ignore it, the angel would believe that he immediately fell asleep and leave him to peace. But the knocking persisted and he heard Aziraphale asking to let him in.

Crowley pulled the cover from his head and shouted “Go away angel, I'm trying to sleep!”

The knocking stopped and suddenly the door opened. 

“You're clearly not sleeping and we're going to talk about what just happened”, Aziraphale announced and stepped into the bedroom.

“Go away angel, there's nothing to talk about and I am tired”, Crowley hissed. He was in no way willing or ready to face this situation, heart still hammering as if it was trying to escape from his chest. “I'm fine and you're gonna leave”.

Aziraphale looked at him with such warmth in his eyes that Crowley started tearing up again behind his sunglasses. The angel sat down on the edge of the bed. “My dear”, he started. “Clearly nothing is fine and I think it's time we talked about it. I know you're not sleeping, I hear you wandering around and making noises. Every time I touch you or look at you, you flinch and go away. You haven't been yourself and I want to help. Please, just tell me what's wrong.” Aziraphale looked at him again and gently took Crowley's shaking hand in his.

That's what did Crowley in. Everything he held in for the last two weeks – and the last millennia to be precise- exploded at once.

“FINE!”, he roared. “You know why I haven't been fine? Apart from the apocalypse and then the apocalypse not happening? You DIED, angel! You were dead for me! I came into the bookshop and everything was on fire, NOTHING was left! I didn't know if it was hellfire or not, I kept looking and screaming for you but you weren't there! All the fire, the smoke, ash everywhere – I searched EVERYTHING and I kept looking for you but you just weren't there! You were NOWHERE and I thought I'd lost you forever!”, Crowley screamed, tears running over his face.

“Oh Crowley”, Aziraphale breathed. “I didn't know-”  
“Of course you didn't know!”, Crowley shrieked. “I never wanted you to know! It's none of your business how I feel! It's none of your business that I thought my angel has vanished, it's none of your business that I thought the love of my l-”

Crowley slapped his hand on his mouth to silence himself . Too much, he had revealed too much.

“The love of your....Crowley you can't be serious”, Aziraphale stuttered. “I...me? All those years and you never...oh if I had only known-”

“I'm leaving,” Crowley suddenly announced, voice shaking. “I'm going. Stay here or go back to your shop, I don't mind. I'm out.” With that said, he jumped out of his bed and stormed out of the flat with lightning speed, leaving Aziraphale no chance to hold him back.


	4. Chapter 4

Aziraphale didn't know how long he stood there, gaze directed at the door where Crowley had left. It could have been ten seconds, minutes, hours, he had no idea. He could still hear Crowley's words ringing in his ear “love of my l-, love of my l-”. He was convinced Crowley' had intended to say “love of my life” but it just didn't make sense to him – it was just too good to be true. Crowley loving HIM – it was impossible.

Aziraphale had loved Crowley since the dawn of time, too. It just didn't occur to him that what he was feeling was true love until many, many years later. That one night when Crowley saved him and the books from the Nazis, to be precise. He had always loved Crowley, of course he did, he was an angel, a being of love – but this, this was different. He had kept that realisation to himself for two reasons: First of all, he was 100% sure Crowley wouldn't love him back. And secondly, he was convinced that Heaven and especially Gabriel would punish him until the end of time.

So he kept everything for himself, coping not too badly for a number of years until the day of the supposed apocalypse came. After they successfully prevented it and even escaped Heaven and Hell, it proved to be much more difficult to keep the love and affection within himself. He knew he was slipping up, but being in the demon's presence after everything that they've been through together without showing him some kind of love was impossible. Especially after Heaven had apparently given up on him anyway and he didn't feel like every one of his steps was monitored closely any more.

He still couldn't comprehend that Crowley was in love with him. How come he never said anything? How come he never realised it? If only they had some kind of Agnes Nutter prophecies for themselves, Aziraphale thought wistfully just before a memory flashed in front of his eyes.

“Agnes Nutter”, he breathed. Suddenly he remembered Crowley, looking miserable in a bar and then excitedly exclaiming that he had taken Agnes' book from the burning bookshop as a souvenir. Crowley didn't read and certainly wasn't interested in prophecies, so why would he possibly take a book as a souvenir. The weight of the realisation hit Aziraphale like a brick wall. Crowley took the book because it was the only thing remaining that reminded him of Aziraphale.

The angel felt like he couldn't breathe any more. Tons of memories came to the surface all of a sudden, Crowley stopping by at his bookshop with his favourite chocolates, Crowley performing miracles to make the angel happy, Crowley inviting him to his place over and over again, the demon wanting to run away with him and so many more.

“Oh my god”, Aziraphale whispered, he felt like he was choking. How could he have been so blind? Crowley had been nothing but kind and loving to him since he had known him – he didn't do it with words, but he showed his love in all kinds of small and big gestures. And Aziraphale had never thanked him once, he had even rejected him numerous times because he was so afraid of Heaven and his own feelings. A huge pang of guilt soared through the angel's body. He had no idea how he could ever make it up. Even eternity didn't provide enough time to repent for his wrongdoings and mend the damage of millennia of hurting – well, hurting the love of his life.

Aziraphale didn't know what to do. He didn't know where Crowley was hiding and he had the sneaking suspicion he wouldn't be welcome anyway.

He would wait here. He would wait even years if he had to. He knew he couldn't make it up to Crowley, but he would certainly try, Aziraphale thought determinedly. The time has come for some small miracles.

A couple of hours later, Crowley finally felt like there were no tears left in his body. Sitting behind the clock face of Big Ben, he was finally free to let out all the pain without anyone seeing him. The people rushing by under him were blissfully oblivious to his anguish and couldn't hear him scream. 

The demon felt exhausted, so exhausted and he didn't know what to do. He had finally reached his breaking point, almost confessing to his angel and now he knew he had broken their bond forever. He could still see the sympathetic look in Aziraphale's eyes when his tongue slipped. 

“Stop it”, Crowley hissed and smacked his head. He couldn't deal with any more painful memories and images in his head. 

Technically, he could hide in here forever but he knew it wouldn't make sense. Aziraphale was a caring person and would look for him and find him eventually, and then they had to talk. Maybe he could convince the angel to forget everything he said, maybe he would even talk to him again.

Groaning, Crowley got up and descended the tower. He had to go home, he didn't have a choice. He knew he had to face the situation.


	5. Chapter 5

Before Crowley entered the flat, he took a few calming breaths. “Do it, get in there”, he told himself. “Just get it over with”. He didn't even know if the angel was still in there, but he had seen lights behind his windows when he approached the building.

When Crowley finally opened the door and stepped inside his flat, he stopped in his track. Something smelled delicious and his décor had changed as well. Not that much, but now it looked much more like the union of what his flat was and the kind of warmth Aziraphale brought with him. It was perfect.

When he stepped into the living room, he saw all his favourite dishes spread on the table. Green plants, overflowing from their pots, were floating in the air and soft piano music (the one Crowley would never admit he liked but Aziraphale knew anyway) was playing. 

“Wh-...what's this?”, Crowley croaked.

“Hello, my dear”, Aziraphale said quietly, stepping out from the kitchen. “I hope you'll like it. I....I didn't light candles, I hope you don't mind. I had hoped you would come back, I need to tell you something.”

Something hot and ugly burned inside Crowley's chest. He knew what Aziraphale needed to tell him. 'Sorry Crowley, but an angel and a demon...it would never work and you know it. I guess we'll see each other again sometime.' All this...fuss was just Aziraphale's attempt to let him down as gently as possible. 

“I don't need your pity, angel”, Crowley hissed, sounding pained. “Just tell me you don't like me and then let's live on. Just do it quick.”

“Pity? No darling, I don't feel pity”, Aziraphale answered, slowly approaching the demon who was hovering by the door again. “I feel guilt. Unspeakable amounts of guilt.” 

Crowley looked a bit confused and Aziraphale took the opportunity to gently lead him to the table. “Sit, my dear”, he said softly. 

Crowley felt exhausted. He didn't have the energy to fight any more and let himself be seated by the angel. 

Aziraphale sat down as well and pressed his hands together. “I don't know where to start”, he said shakily, overcome by emotion and insecurity. “But I need you to listen to everything I say, do you understand?”

Crowley nodded numbly. What's one more day of heartbreak versus the tens of thousands he's already had, he guessed. He looked at Aziraphale expectantly who leaned over the table to take off the demon's sunglasses.

“Don't-”, Crowley pleaded. He couldn't stand the thought that Aziraphale would be able to see every expression of him. 

“Please, “ the angel answered. “I need to see your face. And I like your eyes.”

Aziraphale sat down again. “Crowley, you have no idea how sorry I am. I don't know how you could ever forgive me. No, let me finish”, he said when Crowley looked as if he was to interrupt.

“I know what you almost told me back then. It's what you've quietly been telling me since I know you. You love me.”

Crowley let out a pained moan. “Stop it, angel. Don't make this worse than it already is. Please just tell me off and go home.”

“No, listen to me”; Aziraphale replied. “You love me. You'd do anything for me, you DID anything for me. You were always there, helping out, offering me to stay with you and even wanted to run away with me. And I have done nothing but reject you. I didn't realise, Crowley. I didn't realise you felt this way until you told me and this is an unspeakable sin. I was, as you would say, a fucking dumbass.” Aziraphale let out a faint laugh before he continued. 

“The thing is, my dear. I have been deeply in love with you ever since. It took me millennia to realise it and since you saved me and the books from the Nazis, the only thing on my mind was you. I didn't realise you felt the same way, that's why I never said anything. And I was too much of a coward to make the first step and I was too afraid of Gabriel and the consequences he would put us through if he found out we were...more than enemies. 

When they finally left us alone two weeks ago, I couldn't resist being close to you although I was convinced you didn't feel the same about me. I saw the discomfort I put you through and I thought you were appalled, but I couldn't hold myself back. I apologise.”

Aziraphale started crying. Voice shaking, he continued. 

“I know there is not enough time in this world or another to make it up to you. I have put you through millennia of anguish and pain and I know I can't be forgiven. But I want to try. From this day on, I want to try and make up as much as I can. If you let me. I completely understand if you won't, if you tell me I should leave and never talk to you again, I will follow your directions. But I will try as much as I can to show you how much you're loved. By me.”

After staring at his clenched hands for a long time, Aziraphale finally dared to look up.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M DONE!!!  
> well, that was carthargic. please let me know if you liked it! I'm new to writing fics so I don't know if I should write more

Crowley couldn't breathe. He felt like his chest was constricted by a million pythons. Vision blurred by tears, he started hyperventilating.

“Oh darling”, Aziraphale exclaimed and sat himself next to Crowley. “Deep breaths, that's it”, he said and pulled Crowley in a tight hug.

Crowley felt himself be manhandled and suddenly his nose was buried in the crook of Aziraphale's neck. He smelt of old books and the new cologne Aziraphale used. “I- I don't...why didn't you say-” Crowley tried to speak but his throat was so tight he couldn't utter any words. His angel, his LIFE just told him he loved him just as much. He was so overcome by all his pent up emotions he just started to sob uncontrollably into Aziraphale's collar.

“I know, I'm sorry love”, Aziraphale murmured softly. He started stroking Crowley's back which just forced even more sobs out of the demon who was currently falling apart in his arms. “I was so unspeakably dumb. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...”

Aziraphale continued to apologise until Crowley's sobs subsided. He wordlessly held him and stroked his hair and back until Crowley finally calmed down and looked up.

“Angel, I...I don't know what to say”, Crowley croaked. “There's nothing you could do to make me stop loving you. I have always loved you, and always will.” Tears rolled down his already wet cheek.

“Oh Crowley”, Aziraphale breathed. “I love you too. Let me love you. You deserve so much love and I will spend the rest of our time showing you how much you mean to me.” He gently took the demon's face in his hands, looking him directly into his beautiful serpent eyes. “Please, let me show you.”

Crowley nodded, unable to speak again. Aziraphale was moving closer and closer and then, their lips touched in the softest of kisses.

There were no fireworks or triumphant fanfares, but oh it shifted all of Crowley's world. This was what he had been dreaming of for thousands of years, and it was even better than he could have ever imagined.

The angel's soft, plush lips gently pressed against his own and Crowley involuntarily let out a high pitched whimper. 

Aziraphale drew back at the sound, looking worried. “Is everything alright?”, he asked nervously.

“Please, angel”, Crowley pleaded desperately, leaning towards Aziraphale. “Please”.

Aziraphale didn't need any further explanation. He kissed his demon again, this time with less insecurity and more determination. He put both his arms around the shaking demon and then they kissed and kissed and kissed, Aziraphale never letting go of the love of his life. 

Later, Aziraphale was lying on the couch, holding Crowley firmly against him, the demon's face pressed into his neck again. Exhaustion finally took over Crowley's determination to kiss Aziraphale as long as possible and so the angel had laid them both down. 

“Your collar is still wet”, came Crowley's muffled voice from his neck. “M'sorry.”

“Oh no worries darling, I don't care. I don't give a damn, as you might say”, he chuckled.

Crowley didn't say anything, but Aziraphale could feel his lips form a small smile.

“You're tired, love. Don't you want to go to bed?”, the angel asked.

Crowley held onto his angel tighter. “Don't like sleeping any more”, he mumbled defeatedly. “Didn't sleep since the night you sat by my side.”

Aziraphale frowned. “I know you didn't sleep, but what does it have to do with me?” he asked.

Crowley stiffened. In for a penny, he thought. “I-...the first night after you slept by my side, I kept dreaming about the burning bookshop. I find myself in the middle of inferno and screaming for you and- and”, Crowley drew in hiccuping breaths before he continued. “And I can't find you. I smell the fire and I can't find you and that's when I wake up”. His eyes welled up again and he buried himself even more into the neck of his angel.

“Oh dear, I'm so sorry you had to go through that”, Aziraphale said. “I promise you, you'll never have to go through that again. From now on, I'll always be by your side. Forever.”

Crowley's breath hitched. He hadn't dared of dreaming about Aziraphale loving him back and now his angel told him they'll be together forever. “Do you....are you serious? Do you really mean that?”

“Yes, my darling. Forever and always. If nothing's certain, rest assured that my love for you is eternal”, Aziraphale responded and pressed a kiss against the demon's forehead. “Now sleep, my love. Let's lie here and rest. I will be here when you wake up again and I will be there the next night and every night to follow.”

Crowley looked at his angel with big, wondrous eyes, pressing his lips together so they would stop wobbling. As he laid his head back on the shoulder of his angel, he felt exhaustion creeping up. Aziraphale had one hand buried in his hair, the other hand was drawing smoothing strokes over his back. He smiled as the angel pressed some kisses on his forehead and for the first time in two weeks, he slept peacefully in the arms of the love of his life.


End file.
